I've had an incredible life - I'd love to do it again.
Espinita clavada: A Spanish language term referring to regret. Things you wish you had pursued and feel you no longer can.
I.E.
I was a good singer, I would have liked to pursue music. (not me)
If I had lifted more weights, I wouldn’t have broken a bone. (not me)
If I hadn’t met my college boyfriend, I would have studied abroad in Madrid. (me)
I’m one of those dreadful people that wholeheartedly believes that there are no bad decisions. (Defense mechanism? Maybe.) There are just decisions. And whatever you choose simply takes you on a particular path, and it’s ultimately the path you need to be on.
Why stress myself out giving power to the existence of life-altering regrets? To be honest, I don’t really have any. I waste my guilt on things like “Maybe I shouldn’t have eaten 14 tortillas” or “I should have gone to yoga this morning” but I never anguish over the big stuff.
There are 3 instances from my past that I could classify as a regret if you forced me to name some.
Senior year of high school, my Grandmother offered to fund a month-long trip to Europe if I took a second language. I didn’t take her seriously and was entirely too lazy at that point to put mental effort into a new language. I didn’t go, and I sometimes wonder the influence that may have had.
I babysat for years for the same family. One night, I snuck a guy into their house to make out. The parents noticed my behavior had been off and suspected something was up, so they came home early. I’ll never forget the explosion in my gut when I heard the security system beep and the front door open. It was so horrible, I can’t even talk about it to this day. While I learned a great lesson, I regret being such an a**hole.
This one is a secret
Now, this isn’t meant to be arrogant. Clearly there have been situations that I could have handled a bit better. I just truly believe that the way everything played out made me who I am right now.
And even though some days I’m floating through a life of sheer joy and other days I’m sobbing on my yoga mat, I still love all of it. I think I always have.
I love the way all the colors of my life have mixed together and transformed into different shades. I love that every step I’ve taken, smart or not, has taken me down a road more vibrant and spontaneous than I could ever have imagined. I love that all of my choices have brought me to this moment right now, typing on my MacBook in my Mexico City apartment, listening to birds whose chirping contrasts greatly with the traditional Mexican melodies drifting from my neighbor’s house, drinking tea out of my new jarrito.
Are there things I’d prefer to be different? Yes. A lot more money. A good man by my side. More afternoon sunlight streaming through my living room window.
But…hold on. Am I more creative with a less-than-desired cash flow? Do I sign up for painting classes and hiking trips because I’m romantically independent? Have I discovered the most beautiful local coffee shops in an attempt to escape my dimly lit living room?
One of the few newsletters I’m subscribed to that I actually read (almost) thoroughly is Sticky Notes by Cole Schafer. He’s an excellent writer that sometimes makes you mad and other times turns you on. He’s soft, a little pretentious, graceful, a little rock-and-roll. In his latest email, he mentioned this quote by the late David Bowie:
"I've had an incredible life - I'd love to do it again."
When I read it, I felt a rush of wind travel from my chest to the top of my throat. The back of my nose started to tingle. Then came the all-too-familiar-sensation-as-a-woman-in-her-late-30s-who-cries-over-everything - a “salty discharge” (Seinfeld reference - anyone?) trickling from the corners of my eyes.
I totally, absolutely, 100% feel the same. I still have another 68 years to go. But if my life continues like this, I, too, would love to do it again.
Think about that.
With love,
Bethany
